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Helping Kids Who Bully: Compassionate Parenting Strategies

Discover why kids bully, how to recognize the signs, and learn compassionate ways to guide your child from hurtful behavior to empathy and kindness.

Bullying is a tough subject for any parent, whether your child is the one doing the bullying or the one being bullied. It’s natural to feel protective and want to put an end to the bullying immediately, but it’s also important to understand that kids who bully others often need help just as much as the kids they target.

What Causes a Child to Bully?

Understanding the root causes of bullying is the first step in addressing it. Kids don’t bully others just for the sake of it—there’s usually something deeper going on. Here are some common reasons why a child might engage in bullying behavior:

Insecurity and Low Self-Esteem

Sometimes, kids bully others because they feel bad about themselves. They might be trying to assert control or power to compensate for their own insecurities. By putting others down, they may feel a temporary boost in their self-worth.

Troubled Home Life

Children who grow up in environments where aggression or neglect is common may mirror these behaviors at school. If they’ve witnessed or experienced violence at home, they might act out in similar ways toward their peers.

Lack of Empathy

Some kids bully because they struggle to understand or relate to the feelings of others. They might not fully grasp the impact their actions have on their peers.

Peer Pressure

Bullying can sometimes be a way for kids to fit in with a group. They might bully others because they want to be accepted by their peers or because they’re afraid of being bullied themselves if they don’t join in.

Seeking Attention

Kids who feel ignored or overlooked may bully others to get attention, even if it’s negative. This behavior is often a cry for help.

Is My Child a Bully or Being Bullied?

Identifying whether your child is bullying others or is a victim of bullying can be tricky, especially if they’re not talking about it. Aside from reaching out to teachers, babysitters, and other close guardians to ask about their behavior, here are some signs to look out for:

Signs Your Child Might Be a Bully

They are regularly getting into trouble at school.
They frequently get into physical or verbal fights.
They have friends who bully others.
They’re increasingly aggressive or have a need to dominate others.
They don’t seem to care about the feelings of others and often blame others for their problems.
They frequently talk about excluding others or enjoy seeing others upset.
They have unexplained extra money or new belongings, which could be a result of taking things from others.

Signs Your Child Might Be Being Bullied

They come home with unexplained injuries or damaged belongings.
They have frequent headaches or stomach aches, especially on school days.
They seem anxious, sad, or withdrawn, especially after school.
They’re having trouble sleeping or have nightmares.
They suddenly lose interest in school or activities they used to enjoy.
They seem to have fewer friends or are being left out

If you recognize any of these signs, it’s important to have an open and honest conversation with your child to understand what’s going on.

How to Help Kids Who Bully Others

If you discover that your child is bullying others, it’s crucial to address the behavior right away. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Have an Open Conversation

Talk to your child about their behavior without yelling or accusing them. Ask them why they’re acting this way and listen to their side of the story. It’s important to understand their motivations and feelings.

2. Teach Empathy

Help your child understand how their actions affect others. Encourage them to put themselves in the shoes of the kids they’ve bullied. Discuss how they would feel if someone treated them the same way.

3. Set Clear Consequences

Make sure your child understands that bullying is unacceptable and that there will be consequences for their actions. These consequences should be consistent and reinforce the idea that bullying will not be tolerated.

4. Encourage Positive Behavior

Reinforce positive behavior by praising your child when they act kindly or respectfully towards others. Help them find healthy ways to express their feelings and build their self-esteem.

5. Monitor Technology Use

In today’s digital age, bullying often extends to the online world. Keep an eye on your child’s online activities and talk to them about responsible and respectful behavior on social media and other platforms.

6. Seek Professional Help

If your child’s bullying behavior is severe or doesn’t improve with your efforts, consider seeking help from a counselor or therapist. They can work with your child to address underlying issues and develop healthier ways of interacting with others.

How Kids Can Show Compassion to Their Bullies

If your child is being bullied, it’s important to teach them how to protect themselves while also encouraging them to show compassion. Here’s how they can do that without compromising their own well-being:

1. Stand Firm with Kindness

Teach your child that it’s okay to stand up for themselves and to set boundaries with their bully. They should know that they don’t have to tolerate mistreatment, and they can be assertive without being aggressive.

2. Understand the Bully’s Perspective

While it’s not your child’s responsibility to fix the bully’s problems, understanding that the bully might be dealing with their own issues can help your child approach the situation with empathy. Encourage your child to see that the bully’s behavior is more about the bully’s problems than about them.

3. Respond with Kindness

If it’s safe to do so, encourage your child to respond to the bully with kindness. This doesn’t mean being a doormat, but rather showing that they won’t stoop to the bully’s level. Sometimes, a kind word or a simple act of kindness can make a big difference.

4. Don’t Retaliate—Report

Make sure your child knows that retaliation can make things worse. Sometimes, reporting the bullying to a trusted adult rather than trying to get even is showing kindness. Compassion can go hand in hand with seeking help.

5. Be a Friend

If your child feels comfortable and safe, they might consider reaching out to the bully in friendship. This isn’t always possible, but sometimes extending a hand in friendship can change the dynamic.

6. Protect Their Own Well-Being

Teach your child that it’s okay to distance themselves from someone who is consistently unkind. They can be compassionate without allowing themselves to be mistreated.

Understanding Causes Change

Helping kids who bully others is not just about stopping the bullying—it’s about understanding why they do it and addressing the underlying issues. By teaching empathy, setting clear boundaries, and encouraging positive behavior, parents can help their children change for the better. At the same time, it’s important to empower kids who are being bullied to protect themselves while showing compassion can help create a more supportive and understanding environment for everyone.

Discover More Strategies to Encourage Kindness

^{Shaelyn Topolovec earned a BA in Editing and Publishing from BYU, worked on several online publications, and joined the Familius family. Shae is currently an editor and copywriter who lives in California’s Central Valley.}