Are You Gaslighting Your Child? How to Recognize and Avoid It
Are you unintentionally gaslighting your child? Learn how to spot it, avoid it, and build a healthier, more supportive connection.
As parents, we want to guide our children, teach them right from wrong, and help them navigate life’s ups and downs. But sometimes, in our efforts to protect or correct them, we might unknowingly engage in behaviors that can undermine their trust and confidence. One such behavior is gaslighting—a term that may sound dramatic but can quietly creep into everyday parenting. Let’s explore what gaslighting is, how it can affect your child, and some healthier alternatives.
What is Gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a form of emotional manipulation where someone makes another person question their reality, memory, or perceptions. The term originates from a 1940s movie called Gaslight, in which a husband tries to make his wife believe she’s losing her mind by subtly manipulating their environment and then denying that any changes occurred. The goal of gaslighting is to create doubt and confusion in the victim, making them reliant on the gaslighter for a sense of reality. This, of course, is an extreme version.
In the context of parenting, gaslighting can happen when we dismiss or minimize our children’s feelings or experiences. While it’s often unintentional, it can leave long-term emotional scars if it becomes a pattern.
Examples of Gaslighting Your Child
You might be gaslighting your child without even realizing it. Here are some common examples of gaslighting in everyday parenting:
1. “You’re being too sensitive.”
When your child comes to you upset about something that happened at school or with a friend, dismissing their feelings by telling them they’re overreacting can invalidate their emotions. They might start to think there’s something wrong with how they feel.
Alternative: Acknowledge their feelings. Instead of saying, “You’re being too sensitive,” try, “I see that this really hurt you. Let’s talk about what happened.” This helps your child feel heard and validated.
2. “That didn’t happen.”
Children, especially younger ones, may have a different perspective or memory of events than adults. However, outright denying their version of a situation can make them question their reality. If a child says, “You promised we could go to the park,” and you respond with, “I never said that,” they might begin to doubt their memory or feel unheard.
Alternative: Engage in a discussion rather than dismissing their recollection. Try, “I don’t remember saying that, but I can see why you’re upset. Let’s figure out how we can work it out.” This acknowledges their point of view without undermining their sense of reality.
3. “You’re making things up.”
When a child seriously tells you about something that seems exaggerated or hard to believe, brushing it off with “You’re just making that up” can be damaging. Even if it seems unlikely, your child may feel they’re not trusted or believed, which can hurt their self-esteem.
Alternative: Encourage open communication by asking questions or saying, “Tell me more about what happened.” This approach keeps the conversation going, gives you time to assess the situation, and allows your child to feel safe sharing their thoughts and feelings without fear of being dismissed. (And if they are joking with you, it gives you the opportunity to play along.)
4. “It’s not a big deal.”
If your child is anxious about an upcoming test, a school presentation, or a disagreement with a friend, minimizing their concerns with, “It’s not a big deal, you’ll be fine,” can invalidate their feelings. Even if the problem seems small to you, it might feel enormous to them.
Alternative: Help them navigate their emotions by saying, “I know this seems overwhelming. Let’s talk about how we can make it feel more manageable.” This approach not only acknowledges their feelings but also empowers them to take action.
5. Using sarcasm or joking about their feelings
Sarcasm and joking, even when meant to be funny, can be a form of gaslighting if it mocks your child’s genuine emotions. Statements like, “The world is so unfair, isn’t it?” or mimicking your child’s tantrum can cause confusion and make your child question whether their feelings are valid.
Alternative: A more supportive alternative would be, “It sounds like you’re really frustrated right now. Let’s talk about what’s bothering you.” This encourages healthy communication and emotional expression.
Why Gaslighting Hurts Children
While some of these examples probably seem far-fetched—I mean, why can’t you call your child out for lying?—it’s how you do it that matters. Gaslighting can have a long-term impact on your child’s emotional and psychological well-being. Here are a few ways it can affect them:
Loss of Self-Confidence
When children are consistently told their feelings or experiences are invalid, they may start to doubt themselves. This can lead to a loss of self-confidence and the belief that they can’t trust their own emotions or instincts.
Difficulty with Emotional Regulation
If a child grows up believing their emotions aren’t valid, they may struggle with emotional regulation as they get older. They might not know how to properly express or process their feelings, which can lead to problems with communication and relationships later in life.
Relying on Others for Validation
Children who are gaslit may grow up needing external validation to feel secure. They might constantly seek approval from others, unsure of their own judgments or abilities.
How to Support Your Child’s Emotional Growth
While gaslighting can slip into parenting unintentionally, the good news is that there are alternatives to help your child feel supported, validated, and emotionally secure.
Acknowledge Their Feelings
One of the simplest yet most powerful things you can do is acknowledge your child’s emotions. Even if you don’t fully understand or agree with how they feel, letting them know you hear them goes a long way.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
Encourage your child to express their thoughts and feelings by asking open-ended questions. Instead of shutting down their perspective, ask, “Can you tell me more about what happened?” or “How did that make you feel?” This shows you’re interested in their experience and are there to support them.
Validate Their Experience
You don’t have to agree with your child to validate their feelings. Simply saying, “That sounds really tough,” can help them feel understood and accepted. Avoid minimizing their emotions or making them feel like their experience is insignificant.
Model Emotional Regulation
Children learn how to manage emotions by watching the adults around them. Show them healthy ways to deal with emotions by practicing it yourself. If you’re upset, explain how you’re feeling and what you’re doing to manage those feelings. For example, “I’m feeling frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath and calm down.”
A Loving Path Forward
Gaslighting may be unintentional, but constant gaslighting can have lasting effects on your child’s emotional well-being. By being mindful of how we respond to our children’s emotions, we can create a nurturing environment where they feel heard, valued, and understood. In place of dismissive statements, offer empathy, validation, and open communication. These small shifts can make a big difference in your child’s confidence and emotional health, fostering a relationship built on trust and understanding.
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Shaelyn Topolovec earned a BA in Editing and Publishing from BYU, worked on several online publications, and joined the Familius family. Shae is currently an editor and copywriter who lives in California’s Central Valley.